Unprotected Sex / Pos & Neg Relationships

unprotected anal sex & pos/neg relationships

Opposites Attract

A serodiscordant relationship is one in which one partner is HIV-negative, and the other is HIV-positive.

All couples face conflict and obstacles, but emotions can become even more complicated when you share your life with someone who has a different HIV status than you. The conflicting emotions and feelings can sometimes be overwhelming and can leave either partner in a vulnerable position.

It takes two ...

It is important to realise that both the HIV-negative and HIV-positive partner in the relationship will both have some concerns at the beginning and throughout the relationship.

Things the HIV-positive partner may be concerned about include:

  • Rejection or abandonment;
  • Infecting their partner;
  • Health issues and illness;
  • Effects of treatment or illness on body image and energy levels;
  • Planning for the future;
  • Disclosure and privacy issues in talking to others about the relationship and his HIV status.

The HIV-negative partner may have some concerns of his own including:

  • Guilt that his partner is HIV-positive and he isn't;
  • Feeling that if he had HIV too he'd feel closer to his partner;
  • Fear of being infected;
  • Fear of losing their partner to health issues and illness;
  • Stigma and disclosure to friends and family about being in a serodiscordant relationship.

What's important to understand is that while each partner may have their own concerns, there will probably be some common themes among them.

Open and honest communication is the key to being able to come to a common ground, and being able to support one another during the relationship - good times and bad.

Talk, Talk, Talk

Talking about your feelings with each other is a practical way of working through some of the complex issues that are raised in a serodiscordant relationship.

Not discussing these issues can lead to risky behaviour and greater anxiety, and trouble in the future of the relationship.

Here are some key points of discussion that can be considered:

Emotional Health

Discuss your fears about loss and potential illness and explore any feelings of guilt that the negative partner may be feeling for not being infected. Identify areas where you need each other's support, or perhaps the support of a professional.

Sex, Sex and More Sex

Discuss each other's concerns about transmission from one partner to the other. Come together with a safe plan that includes what precautions each of you will take, what risks you are willing to take, and prepare an emergency plan including knowing how to access PEP should an accidental exposure happen (see the PEP section on this site).

Treatment and Medical Issues

Be open and honest about your concerns about things like treatment side effects, difficulties adhering to the daily treatment regime, and its potential impact on your body image.

Being a Caregiver

Talk about the stresses and fear that the HIV-negative partner may have about potentially having to fill the role of caregiver. Discuss the concerns and fears that the HIV-positive partner may have about getting ill and needing care.

Disclosure

Talk about some of the issues regarding disclosure of HIV status outside of the relationship. While not disclosing may reduce the effects of stigma and discrimination, disclosing may increase support and reduce isolation. Keep in mind that the effects of disclosure may have more of an impact on the HIV-positive partner, and as such, it is crucial that he has a big say in how that information is divulged and to whom.

Negotiating Safe Sex - Communication Strategies:

  • Listen to each other, both of you should have a say in what you are going to engage in - if either person does not want to 'engage in an activity, that person should have the final say;
  • Get educated together about safer sex practices if you're not sure about what which activities are safe, and which are risky;
  • Know that HIV transmission isn't the only risk; be aware of the risk of other sexually transmitted infections;
  • Communicate your fears - talk about your concerns;
  • It doesn't all have to be about anal sex - talk about alternatives for sex play;

It's important to remember that just like with any other relationship, those who are dealing with HIV need to respect each other's decisions and validate each other's feelings.

You may find it helpful to seek professional support for the issues that you and your partner have the most difficulty with. Check out the "contacts" page for counselling services.